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I’ve been listening to my dreams
And taking the subconscious advice
(Despite it being occasionally awful and oftentimes abstract to the point of confusion).
But every moment I spend awake
I think I feel a large lump in my throat,
Though I’m not too sure it’s from the sadness.
It might be the fried chicken I pretty much inhaled,
Trying to distract myself from your voice echoing in my head.
Tears sit and pool on my lower eyelids
Because I won’t let them go any further.
I’ve also a chest full of fear
And a legs that feel like containers full of bees
(I’ve been sitting cross-legged too long
Listening to that record you bought me
To soothe the pain that came after looking at my credit card statements
After I impulse-bought that “authentic vintage” record player).
Yeah, I’ve made many mistakes!
I keep putting myself in debt.
I owe myself a new heart.
I haven’t stopped thinking about you.
Not in a pathetic way. I hope. I don’t want to be with you again. And I don’t only think about you, so don’t flatter yourself!
I just have this strange feeling that you’re watching me, or you’ve assigned someone to do it.
I know closure doesn’t exist but I sure wish it did!
Why did you go back to your wife, Gabriel? You made me think you despised her. Maybe you protested a little too much, but what was up with that?
Why did you lie to me? To protect me? Did you ever really want me?
I offered to leave. Several times. I told you that I would go. And you told me to stay, you goddamn bastard! You said you wanted me back.
I am insecure. I am broken. I was when I met you. As corny as it sounds, you were my drug. My absolute angel! I wanted to forgive you so many times. That was a different Angelica. Cliché, again, but this letter is not for you, it is for me.
Were you always thinking of taking her back?
How disgusting, that I still think I deserve to speak to you. This letter is practically masturbatory. I hope you’re in a better place, no more fights & your family is happy & safe & you’re happy with your life & work.
You shook me to the core. I have never found my place with you.
My heart has been broken so many times.
I have my heart under a microscope & I’m trying to figure out what makes it tick. Where thr cracks are.
It’s not completely their fault. Not completely. But what does it mean when I still think about them?
We won’t be together. Ever again. I won’t do that to myself or them. But I love to think about it.
Is that dangerous? How do I distract myself?
I’ve changed almost completely. The human adventure is full of peril, because you can lose yourself at any given moment. You fall into a ravine with only your wits to pull you back out.
Depression is something so prevalent, & I believe we all make light of it because it is so normal.
Two days ago I was driving home drunk & wanted to drive off the bridge.
I am in this void. Hopelessness seems to be the only rational solution. Why waste my energy? So I nap in the ravine & wait for the end of my days.
There’s a stillness here.
Maybe I should be taking advantage of this time to get ready.
But I’m afraid to go back into that room with you.
What will you think?
If I tell you what I’m feeling, will you sigh in disgust?
I’m sorry to be another girl with emotions. I’m sorry I’m not a supermodel with a blank stare.
Should I leave you before you leave me? Should I call you names?
This missor makes me look pretty.
Yesterday, when we were in the store together, I caught a glimpse of myself & almost wanted to cry.
Is this enough for you? Or are you so desparate for love that you’ll take anything?
Have you seen the true me? The glimpse of myself that shows in my eye when I forget myself?
Tell me that you’re in love with her. Show me, because I’m too afraid to ask you if you are. Kiss her. I may be bold but I’m too shy to wrap my arms around you.
Here’s to another heartbreak.
I didn’t laugh when I was supposed to
and I cried a lot.
By the time I figured out you loved me,
you’d already figured I wanted nothing to do with you.
It was a lot.
There was a lot.
I had no time, and when I did I couldn’t figure out how to love you.
I practiced, rehearsed it.
And maybe it was kind of me to practice kindness to you,
but now it feels fake.
Or was there more of it, because I cared so much?
You’re gone now, another memory.
Maybe you weren’t that big to me. Maybe you weren’t supposed to have a central role. Or maybe you were supposed to be a central role.
Are you here again?
How much meaning am I allowed to assign to this moment?
Please forgive me.
I never thought myself good enough for you.
I really want to throw up.
He’s cute but I don’t make eye contact.
“I dunno, I don’t wanna seem intimidating. What if he isn’t into me, and I’m just some ugly girl checking him out?”
Another cute guy has escaped me. “I’ll never find love,” I think, and let out a big sigh.
My head is spinning and my eyes hurt and my body is cold. The ugly old man across the street locks eyes with me, grins and waves.